God's Peace

So I have been terrible at keeping this blog updated. But, I finally have a bit of time and a few thoughts.
I have always been one to doubt my own thoughts/feelings. What I mean by this is that I second guess everything, question everything. Why am I thinking this way? What does this mean? Should I be thinking this way? Where is God leading me? Why do I want to go here? Is that right? The list goes on…
Before I decided to come to Russia these thoughts were going through me head. I kept wondering why God was blessing me with what I desired, or was I just forcing my will by telling ESI that I wanted to go to St. Petersburg? Would it have been more of God’s will if I had just said, “send me wherever you need me most?” But, my father reminded me I don’t have to not want to do something in order to feel called to it. So I went ahead with confidence that I was in God’s will, and now know that I am and have been amazingly blessed.
A little while ago I experienced the opposite. I cannot really say what the situation was but basically I felt strongly convicted that I needed to be willing to do something God was asking of me. I knew without a doubt that God was calling me to a certain place and I needed to be willing to go. A lump welled in my throat and anxiety in my heart. What would this mean? Could I be willing to go? I did not want to… I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. “Yes Lord, I am willing. Here I am. Send me.” Peace immediately filled my heart and tears filled my eyes as I knew that God would provide. Whatever the future held, God was constant. He was never going to leave me nor forsake me. God Himself was overwhelming.
Now that I was willing I had to follow through with what I had committed to. There were details needed to be figured out. After talking to necessary people and asking about the possibility of me going, it turned out that it was not possible for me to go. Even though there was a need, they were not going to fill it; it was too much work on the other end. So, I didn’t go. Once again I am overwhelmed by God’s graciousness. I felt like Abraham who had been provided with the ram when he was about to sacrifice his own son. God was seeing if I would be willing to listen and obey. Once He saw that, He did not make me go.
I cannot express what I felt realizing and understanding that I had been willing to do something I would have never dreamed of wanting to do, and then that God had relieved me from it!! God IS faithful. He will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. His promises are PROMISES. And he wants to bless those who love Him. I am thankful.

Thankfulness

Russians do not celebrate Thanksgiving. You may say, "of course, it's an American holiday", but they don't have any holiday similar. When I tried to explain to them the concept of thanking God, or their family, friends, etc, for what they have, they struggled to understand the purpose. So many of their holidays are about enjoyment, celebration; self-focused holidays. I found this interesting too, in light of the fact that their society is supposedly so communal. I explained Thanksgiving as a time to stop the busyness of our daily lives and consider others; consider what they have been given and what they have to be thankful for. I encouraged them to thank someone for their friendship, love, and their journal assignment for the week was to write about something they are thankful for. I have yet to read these, but I will be interested to see what they wrote. However, if I ask this of my students, I must ask it of myself as well. What am I thankful for?
I can list the typical, God, family, friends, experiences, life in general, and of course these are WONDERFUL blessings, but I could go on forever about each one. Something I’ve been thinking about recently is being thankful for the privilege of being here in Russia. It is a privilege and I need to remember that when times get rough, when I get frustrated and discouraged, God has chosen me to be His witness here. There is no blessing bigger than that!
How can be show God that I am thankful that he has chosen me to be His witness? This is the question I keep coming back to and then go back and forth between feeling purposeful, and feeling extremely insufficient. I want so badly to develop relationships that will lead to opportunities to share my faith, to begin a bible study and to show others what God has done in my life, but then worry about time and feeling prepared and what my actual role as an English teacher/missionary in Russia really is. I often struggle with trying to find the balance between being a teacher and the desire to be a friend. I’m caught between needing to be fair to all my students and not show favoritism, but also be able to invest individually in certain students.
As hard as these frustrations are, I am thankful for them. I am thankful that God does not let me linger in my indecisions and confusions, but that He convicts me and calls me to action. It may be difficult to hear that I can do better, and then to actually follow through with my goals, but unless I vocalize these things, they will continue to fester inside my head and I will live in discontentment and self-doubt.
AND, I am thankful that I have a community of people who are supporting me in my time here and are praying that I will find the courage and strength from God to do what I cannot even imagine. I do not want to become apathetic. It’s easy for me to become so overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing. I am thankful for the desire in my heart to serve but I need to realize and embrace the power that comes from God to be able to act on that desire. May I not forget to be thankful for the struggles, for when I am weak, there He is strong.

Desiring JOY

So this week I decided that I was bored of my own thoughts while standing on the metro, so I began to bring along a book, and as long as there aren’t a thousand people pressing up against me, I am able to read quite easily and without much distraction. I picked up a book I had started several years ago, Surprised by Joy, by C.S. Lewis. It is the “intensely intimate and sincere autobiography of a man who thought his way to God” (back cover). I have become wrapped up in pondering a certain concept he talks about.
Throughout the book he takes the reader through his childhood, schooldays, his experiences in World War I, and his undergraduate life at Oxford, until he finally stepped out of his atheism back to Christianity. He has many mini “revelations” along his life journey, one of which is about his search for Joy.

That walk I now remembered. It seemed to me that I had tasted heaven then. If only such a moment could return! But what I never realized was that it had returned—that the remembering of that walk was itself a new experience of just the same kind. True, it was desire, not possession. But then what I had felt on the walk had also been itself desirable, is the fullest possession we can know on earth; or rather, because the very nature of Joy makes nonsense of our common distinction between having and wanting. There, to have is to want and to want is to have. Thus, the very moment when I longed to be so stabbed again, was itself again such a stabbing.

I had to read this “revelation” several times before I think I know what he says. He writes that to desire Joy- the experience of anticipating a joyous experience- is just as wonderful as having possession of it. In other words, the very act of desiring causes one to desire it more. It causes one to remember that experience, which creates a new experience, that of possessing the desire for the experience, which is Joy.
When I use this analogy about God, the fact that I continually desire more and more of Him- I can never truly have possession of Him- brings me to that unwavering joy; that peace and deep contentment that is Joy. If I have experienced something, the desire of it again creates that experience in my head and once again I feel the Joy I felt before. In a sense, I do possess what I want.
However, there are many things that I desire that are not based on a memory and then the possession of it is more than the act of desiring it. For example, this family of mine! I was expecting a package; wanting it to come (well- in a sense though I was imagining how I would feel when I got it… hmm…) but when it did come, it was even greater than my desire for it. I was surprised by some things that were in it, and once I possessed it, my desire was fulfilled. I do not still desire the package, I have it and the joy is stronger than the joy experience in the expectation of it.
But that can also be used as an analogy for God actually- experiencing the Joy Christ brings, is greater than the expectation of it, but we won’t know the fullness until we desire it. Maybe it’s not the act of desiring that evokes the Joy, but the continual blessings, surprises and answered prayers we experience when we desire God. If we truly desire God, we will be obedient to Him, and he will bless us.
So- does C.S. Lewis write that possessing desire as Joy- only when that desire is based on remembering a good and wonderful experience? Maybe the possession is the possession of the completion of Desire, which also is found in God. When we desire God, we continue to desire Him more, and therefore, we have possessed the ultimate Joy, desiring God.

Reverence vs. Relationship

About a week ago one of my teammates was in a Christian worship band concert. We had invited our students and because one of their teachers was performing, about fifteen or so showed up! While this was exciting, I was incredibly curious about what must be going through their heads as they sat there and listened to this rock music about Jesus. I thought of myself and what my reaction may have been. But I could not imagine. I have grown up surrounded by a church community and truly have no capability of removing my experience from my frame of reference.
At a break in the music I went over to where some of my students were sitting and asked them what they thought.
“It’s so loud!” One student commented.
“I don’t know . . . I like the music, but I don’t understand the words. Why are they singing like this to Jesus?” another student asked. “In my church we have a lot of respect for Jesus. No one sits or even speaks hardly; God is too important.”
This comment caused me to stop and consider what we were doing. Were we worshiping Christ, or merely performing? When I sing, I cry out the words and hold them close to my heart, passionately experiencing the emotion of the music and power of the songs deep inside. As the beat rings in my chest, I am overwhelmed with the wonder of God and His majesty over each one of us. I am reminded of His love and sacrifice and gift of grace. But am I giving Him respect? Am I enjoying the music more than I am enjoying my God?
God desires a real relationship with each one of us, but He also is King above all things and deserves our humble reverence. I don’t think that I am forgetting to revere Christ when my heart cries out in worship, but I do think that we need to be careful not to forget that it is God who gave us the voice to sing to Him. May we not get so caught up in our music that we forget to humble ourselves before Him. It is not about us and our performance; it is about Him. Maybe we need to stop every once in a while and be quiet before our King. Maybe the quiet and stillness are exactly what we need to bring us to the place of repentance.
There is a lot I appreciate about the Orthodox faith. One of which is their commitment to pay due respect to the Father. I want to be careful not to assume that just because my students are not Protestant, that they do not have Jesus Christ living inside of them. While many who claim to be Christians are only culturally Orthodox, who am I to say that that means they don’t know Jesus? God is not bound to my Protestant faith. He is God of the whole Church, the one holy Catholic (all-embracing) Church.
However we choose to worship our God, may we remember that the only thing He desires from us is our entire life. Amazing Grace!

Teaching!

And we’re off and running. The year has begun! One week down, how many more to go?... :) I don’t want to count; I can’t believe one is already over. A year can go very quickly and I have to be very purposed and intentional with my time, otherwise it may slip out from under me. My students are so much more receptive than I ever could have dreamed. After the first day they were asking me if they could show me around, and I actually have already gone out on an excursion with some of them. A group of girls from my class and some guys from one of the other teacher’s classes took us to Peterhof, what had once been the summer palace and gardens of the czar. The students really seemed to be willing to talk about anything, and though that outing was very informal and surfaced, it was only the first one, hopefully the first of many more to come.
To give you a brief overview of my week, Monday morning we discovered that our students didn’t even know that class was starting, so I had six students that day. But Tuesday my classroom was full of 22 students; 21 girls and one boy! This is my main class. They are in their second year in the management department at the university. They are about 18 years old and collectively, have a very high level of English. There are the lower students here and there, which will be a challenge, but the majority of students can understand me and are very willing to participate in discussion. I teach these students three days a week; three hours on Mondays, and hour and a half on Tuesdays and then another three on Wednesdays. Then I teach five classes just once a week for an hour and a half each- three classes are 18 year olds, one is around 20 and then one is a night class with students anywhere in their 20s and maybe older. My evening class didn’t show this week, but I have been told that they will come.
I’m just so thankful for the all the encouragement that I have received. My class itself has been an unexpected blessing, but I have been encouraged by so many people, fellow teammates, friends, family members, the church congregation, my list could go on. Thank you for how you have blessed me with your words and prayers. I feel very lifted up and surrounded by a wonderful and sincere community. Be encouraged!
Blessed by the name of the Lord!

Who Has Seen the Wind?

"Who has seen the wind? Neither you nor I. But when the leaves move in the trees, the wind is passing by." This is an excerpt from a poem my grandma used to quote all the time. We would be going on a walk and the breeze would ruffle her hair. She would stop and hold her hands straight up, fingers spread wide. She would look at me and passionately quote, “Who has seen the wind?...”
I am reminded of my grandma whenever the wind rustles through the leaves or blows my hair in crazy which-ways, or nearly knocks me over.
The wind also reminds me of the power of God. I think of Grandma’s poem, and change the words a bit, “Who has seen the Father? Neither you, nor I. But when we see His children bearing fruit, and we know that He is in our midst.” We may not be able to see God Himself, but we can see the fruit of those who have put their trust in Him.
My grandma is now in her last few days of life. These past few years have been hard, as my family has watched her decline with Alzheimer’s, but in all the trials that came her way, never once did she question God. In fact, she never ceased to praise Him. She was constantly singing “Day by day, and with each passing moment, strength I find to meet my trials here. Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment, I’ve no cause to worry or to fear”, and lifting her arms to the sky saying, “Thank you Jesus for the clouds!”, or whatever else she passed by on her walks.
And this is what I remember when I think of my Grandma; her unwavering trust and love toward Him. I can see Christ in everything she did. The fruit she produced still shines with His glory. She loved dearly and deeply and trusted Him with all her heart. This is what Christ calls us to: love and trust Him with our lives.
It is incredibly hard for me to be all the way in Russia, while my family at home dealing with the doctors, and hospice, and other family members; all the emotions are running high. I want to be there to help remember her life; to celebrate who she was. But what I do remember is her faith. Her faith brings me comfort knowing that if she can continue to love and trust her Jesus through such a confusing time for her, so I am able to trust that He will be with her, bringing her peace.

Thank you Grandma, for your life, your love and the trust you have of your Savior. “Who has seen the Father? Neither you nor I. But when I look into your face, I see Christ resting there.” And He is welcoming you home.

Culture Shock

Apparently “culture shock” is inevitable. According to psychologists there are four distinct phases of culture shock. The first on is the “tourist or honeymoon phase” in which the person is enthralled with the new country. Everything is wonderful and interesting; nothing can go wrong. After the newness wears off, the person will enter “emptiness or rejection phase.” This is characterized by a distain for the culture they have just entered. They will have a bad attitude about life in general. They will be moody and depressed and want to leave the culture and go home. Psychologists go so far as to say it is the “crisis in the ‘disease’ of culture shock.” It depends on the person as to how long they remain in this phase, but some will never get out of it. The third phase is the “conformist phase” in which the person begins to adapt to the culture. They find humor in what they once hated and the crisis is over. They can tolerate the cultural differences and even begin to enjoy them. Finally, a person entered the “assimilation phase” or complete adjustment. In this phase the person accepts the food, drinks and habits of the culture and begins to even prefer them to what they previously had known. They realize that there are just different ways to live; it’s not that one is better than the other, just different. Psychologists say that few newcomers attain this final stage of adjustment.
After hearing this for the umpteenth time some people on my team began to resist what was being taught. While I saw it as a way of expressing and understanding emotions that I may eventually feel, some felt that the inevitability of culture shock was wrong. And after some deep discussions and disagreements, I think I have come to realize that these phases do not necessarily have to be. These phases were taught to us as inevitable; that we will go through each phase for sure, it is only a matter of how long we will be in each phase that may vary.
But why do we have to reject the culture we have entered? Can we not pray against that and strive to initially understand that this culture is different and seek to find out how to love what is different instead of dwelling on the negatives of the differences? Especially as Christians we should not be allowed to dwell in the negative! These people are just as much God’s children as we are, and their culture is beautiful in His eyes. Why is it necessary that we distain their culture before we can appreciate it? God is greater than that and as we seek to love as He loves, shouldn’t we able to move past feelings of resentment and approach people through His love. We are not our own anyway; we are Christ’s, and He calls us to that higher standard. Through Him we should be able to avoid the “rejection phase” and move into appreciating the culture we have entered with the lens of Christ Jesus, who is ruler over ALL.
I am not saying that theses phases don’t carry any weight. I think that for many people, these phases are nearly inevitable. Many of the psychologists who determined and defined these phases were simply putting into words the emotions that most people entering a new culture experience, and there is nothing wrong with that. My struggle with this lies is that it is assumed that we can just sit back and acknowledge that we are frustrated and yet do nothing about it. It is just a phase, and it will pass. No! Instead of just acknowledging these feelings of discomfort and venting, I should acknowledge them in order to better combat them. As a believer, I have hope in Christ, and hopefully that will empower me to be able to dismiss my feelings of rejection and rise above. He can do immeasurably more than we can ever ask or imagine! To Him be the glory. This adventure we are on is not about us, it is about Him.
God did not call me to Russia to mope in self-pity, but to reach out of myself and love others. How can I love others when I am focused on myself? Yes, we can and should lower our expectations, but we cannot lower our expectations of God! He will strengthen us to love this culture, to rise above ourselves and seek Him in all things. We can recognize where we may be weak, but we need to constantly be reminded that where we are weak, there He is strong. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.